Tough Q&A on Rape ~ Part I

Gayla,

I don't know what to do. This guy that I've liked for a long time asked me out. We went to a party and everything was going great, then when we got to my home he raped me. I think it was my fault, I let him come in for coffee. The date had gone so well, I just didn't want it to end yet. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, we had been drinking and I think he thought I was just playing hard to get, but I really meant it when I told him I wasn't ready to do that. Now I feel like I messed it all up, and I don't know what to do. I still kind of like this guy, but now I don't trust him, I don't trust me, and I don't know how to fix this because I'm still not ready to do it, or do it again. He left a message on my voicemail about going out again this weekend, what do I do?

T.

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T.

I'm really sorry this happened to you, but it's not your fault. Drunk and/or stupid is no excuse, NO means NO and sex when you don't want it is rape.

Now, stop feeling sorry for yourself, blaming yourself, and trying to take on the responsibility of what happened. I don't care if you were wearing a sandwich board that said, “Always ready to do it”, you STILL have the right to say NO at any time.

“Fixing” this because you still like him is going to mean you being bold, and you going into it with the understanding that it may not be fixable. That's because your control and self-respect are the most important parts of the equation. The factor that you have the least control over in this is his understanding that he made a monumental mistake.

Before we get into that, I want to make something clear: You have to be certain about what you want and what you want done NOW, before you even return his call. Rape is a crime that has enormous ramifications no matter how you decide to deal with it. Has he done this before? Have you heard rumors about it? If he has, then a second date shouldn't even be an option, he's playing you for a patsy just as he did the others. Like I said, drunk rape is still rape, ESPECIALLY if it's his excuse all of the time.

IF that is the case, you need to follow up on it legally, and that won't be easy. Despite all of our advances in the legal system in regards to rape, it's still the most under-valued crime in America today. We've all seen it on the news, there are millions of rape kits nation wide that haven't even been processed yet, and there are even some states that make the victim pay for processing! Also, no matter what changes are made in the laws, defense attorneys do their best to drag your sexual history in.

I'm not trying to talk you out of pressing charges in the same breath I'm telling you to do it, I just want you to know that it's going to take a ton of strength to push through it if that's what you do. It will take knowing you have the right to defend your body and make the choice whether or not you have sex. You have NOTHING to be ashamed of.

So back to “fixing it”. OK, let's assume now you know it was a one time incident and your committed to giving this guy a second chance. Be firm and deliberate. Meet him in a public place, don't have him pick you up, and have your own transportation home. You need to be ready to discuss it bluntly with him, and be prepared to be left sitting there alone if it doesn't go well. You like him, so that's all the more reason to be sure he's capable of dealing with you asserting yourself. If he isn't, he wasn't good enough for you anyway. Also realize that if he decides to walk away at this point, you have already forfeited the right to press charges. It isn't a situation where you can decide to press charges just because he doesn't want to do things your way. You can't blackmail him into dating you on your terms.

Tell him the last date ended badly, whether he realizes it or not. When you say no, that's exactly what it means. Lay out some guidelines if there is going to be a third date, such as restrictions on when, where, and whether or not he's allowed in your home again. He has to earn your trust now, because he violated the trust you put in him before. Be sure he understands you made the conscious decision to give him a second chance instead of pressing charges, charges for that incident are off the table because you made that decision. That does not mean it won't happen if he makes the same mistake twice, especially since he now knows without a doubt that he was wrong the first time.

This is where you have to be prepared for his decision. Either he is going to be angry and walk out, or he is going to apologize and beg forgiveness. There are various possibilities in between, but basically it just means either he wasn't ever going to be “the one” and you saved yourself months of wasted time, or there's a chance he is and he is willing to let you take control of steering the relationship. Either way, you win because you gave yourself the credit for being worth fighting for.

Gayla

NOW A NOTE TO THE GENERAL AUDIENCE:

Rape is the most difficult crime to deal with because it hinges entirely on the victim's intent. Especially date rape. It's obvious that we never intend to have our wallets stolen or to be beaten up, but most of us do intend to have sex with another person at some point. We also have every right to decide when and with whom, that should never be in question.

Stranger rape is easy to identify, date rape isn't always. It becomes a mine field of problems when women file false claims, that hurts all of the legitimate ones. “Buyers remorse” (I have always hated that term) is not rape, but deciding that you made a mistake doesn't obligate you to making it again. Your body, your choice. The minute a woman utters “no”, “I'm not ready”, or even just “I'm not sure about this” sex can be classified as rape. As in T.'s case, that doesn't even make it cut and dried. Just as a woman has the right to say no, she also has the right to forgive. The key is to recognizing what happened for what it is, and being decisive about how you want to deal with it.

Women should never, NEVER, feel guilt if they find themselves in a rape situation. No matter how a woman chooses to deal with the experience, the key thing to remember is that you need to take back control. Control of your body, control of your life. When you find a way to regain control, you find the strength needed to cope with it.