The Etiquette of Arguing

I've been thinking about this a lot the past few months. How is the best way to handle it when you have a differing opinion than people you care about?

I tiptoe around the message boards, emphasizing words like "many", "most", and "some" to avoid hurting the delicate feelings of friends. Then it dawned on me, I don't have to do that in real life. With my real-life friends I'm free to say, "You can't be serious. Tell me why you would think that." And she can do the same with me.

We treat differing views as something the other may not have thought of; we don't treat one another (let alone call one another) as if they were ignorant for thinking that way.

I am not a religious person, she is devout. I examine eac candidate to try to decide who would be best to vote for, she votes party line.

Yet we never say things like,

"I'm trying to help you see the truth."

"That's really stupid."

"Maybe someday you'll finally get it."

We do say things like,

"Look at it this way."

"That isn't how I see it."

"I think that because..."

And although she'll never drag me into her church, and I'll never drag her out of it, she is one of the first people I called after my Mom's diagnosis. I'm the first person she called when her Mom was having problems. And we've held each other and cried together a lot.

We discuss things. Sometimes I sway her, sometimes she sways me, and sometimes we both come away from a discussion learning something new. We don't instantly have hurt feelings, we know whether or not a blanket statement includes us or not, and we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing said is meant to hurt the other.

There's no condescension, no patronizing, no belittling, no personalizing, no paper-thin feelings. We are friends, we are confidants, we are EQUALS.