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Ask me anything http://formspring.me/GaylaTanner

Hi Gayla. I'm a GMA finalist for advice guru and I think you're terrific. Happy New Year. You're great to do this blog. Well done! Warmest, Alan Fleischmann

Thank you so much for saying so, Alan! Perhaps I can pick your brain as well! =D

Ask me anything

Meet Annie Zirkel!

Meet Annie Zirkel!  I've only talked to her a few times online, but one thing about her that becomes glaringly apparent about Annie is that the views of others are important to her. With that, I don't mean that she measures herself by what others think, but rather that she is aware that there are multiple ways of handling many situations, and the ideas and methods of others are just as important to her as her own.

Annie Zirkel

Annie has expressed more excitement about the people she's met during this competition than whether or not she gets the position. She has a gift for appreciating the little things in life. Life doesn't just happen while she makes plans, she appreciates all of the nuances along the way.

She isn't a guru in the “know all, be all” sense, but in that she is willing and able to get the multiple options to any question. I think that if Annie had her way about it, there would be multiple advisers for the position of guru just so that viewers/readers are able to get various perspectives, to get all of the best possible answers.

Annie is a very warm, generous, energetic, and positive person. These attributes come through in everything she writes, and I for one hope that her prospects with Good Morning America are better than she thinks.

Click here if you would like to check out her website, and click here if you'd like to read and rate some of her answers for Good Morning America.

Meet Deborah "Dr. Deb" Rouse-Raines!



Our first advice guru interview is with Deborah “Dr Deb” Rouse-Raines. I'll admit somewhat of a bias because I've had a chance to really get to know Deb. She contacted me after I posted my first blog, and we've been emailing ever since.



Used with permission by Deb



A warm, friendly, funny woman, Deb instantly makes you feel like she's the kind of friend you could turn to in your time of need. You feel as if you could cry on her shoulder easily and get comfort, and that's just from talking to her through emails.



Deb never comes across as a “know-it-all”. She has great insights, but she's not afraid ask for advice, or offended at finding out she's wrong about something. In my opinion, that makes her wonderful person, but also an exceptional doctor. The medical world truly lost an exceptional asset to their field when Deb was forced to close her practice.



So let me introduce you to Dr. Deb as she answers questions about herself, in her own words, free of word limits.

What I Learned About Christmas

Christmas has always been a special time of year for many. And not always for the same reasons. For some it's a religious time, for others it is a time to bring families together, and others a time for having celebrations with friends that they've missed.


Image borrowed from 
christmastreedecorationss.blogspot.com





For me, it has become a time of longing. Being reminded of loved ones lost, whether in death or simply drifting apart, lost none the less. This year my mother is gone, yet in exchange I have gained nieces and siblings that I haven't heard from in years. Even though I think my mother would have liked to have had the opportunity to reconnect with them, I can't help but feel grateful that at least I have them back.

The children I adored now have children of their own. Children I hope to connect with, I hope to give cause to remember me when I'm gone. And while looking at my over-burdened Christmas tree, I think I've found a small way to give them a reminder of me, and perhaps get reminders from them.



My tree is full; there are ornaments on every limb. There are some Hummels and Disneys that I collected many years ago in order to have something of value to pass down to my own children one day, but those don't seem as precious anymore. The ones that strike me as important are the home-made ones. There are ornaments that my mother made, ornaments that my children made, and a few that I myself have made. I point at the little painted wooden puppy and tell my children that Granny made that when I was 4. There's the painted snowman that Aunt Shana made. Or the cross stitch ornaments that I got back after my grandmother died, the one I made for her.

My tree carries heritage. So many ornaments on it have a special meaning, or came from a special person. There are so many special people that aren't represented on the tree, but I can fix that. I can make ornaments in their honor. Whether I use photos or mementos to make the ornaments, I can create ornaments to commemorate my mother, my father, my grandmothers, my grandfathers, even my aunts, uncles, and cousins.



But is it necessary to commemorate those still here? Perhaps not. Perhaps I can suggest a new family tradition. An exchanging of ornaments instead of gifts. Whether they are purchased or home made, we can always look at them and say, "this person gave that to me." And these ornaments can be passed down to my children, along with the stories of the people who gave them.

I find my tree pretty satisfying right now. Every limb is full. And I know that it is nearly time for my children to start venturing out into the world on their own because I have ornaments to pass down without my tree turning sparse. So I can pass on memories to my children soon, without losing any on my own tree.

To me, Christmas is about family; past, present, and future. And if I can connect my children to their ancestors, even those still living, then all of the fuss and hub-bub of the commercialized season is worth the trouble.

Happy HannaKwanzaRamaMas!

Merry Christmas

There, I said it. But that doesn't mean I'm pushing Christmas off on you. I want to hear people say whatever suites them, not just what is politically correct to say. If you celebrate Chanukah, say “Happy Chanukah!”. Say, “Happy Kwanzaa!” “Feliz Virgen de Guadalupe!”

I'm tired of the political correctness of the holidays, I'm tired of people being offended when you address them with the wrong holiday. If somebody wishes me a “Happy Chanukah,” I take it to mean “I'm having a good day and I hope you have one too.” I hope that when I say “Happy Snow Day!” People get the same intent.

Also, I like the mix-'em-up greetings. “Merry HannaKwanzaMas!” I realize there may be some that find this demeaning to their individual belief system, but I don't see it that way. I see it as an effort to include any and all beliefs into a single greeting.

I would also like to say something on behalf of my atheistic friends.  Celebrating this time of year isn't strictly for those with faith.  Millions of atheists and agnostics do as well, in their own ways.  This is the time of year to reconnect with friends and family, to remind others that you care about them.  Atheists have friends, family, and joy in their hearts. 

My holiday is a hodge podge of beliefs. Like the ancient Druids, I bring in evergreens like a tree, mistletoe, and holly. We light it like the ancient Germans. My tree is decorated with stars, pictures of loved ones, ornaments made by friends and family, angels, and special mementos of all shapes and sizes. We light candles and tell the children stories of hope, love, and history.

Christmas became a huge holiday in America because of good, old fashioned commercialism, but we each make the holiday, the time of year, our own special event. We give the season the special magic that makes it important. So whether you're celebrating Chanukah, Kwanzaa, Christmas or whatever, doing so with people that are important to you is what makes the season what it is.

So if you're a Christian and somebody wishes you a “Happy Kwanzaa!”, smile big and offer them a “Merry Christmas!” Share the warm feelings and well wishes no matter how they come.

Deborah "Dr. Deb" Rouse-Raines ~ Our First Advice Guru Interview

Meet Dr. Deb!  Deb was the first finalist for the Advice Guru position on Good Morning America to give me an interview.  Deb currently has a position as medical contributor on FOX 19 News out of Cincinnati Ohio where she gives medical advice to viewers on a weekly basis.

Deb had a thriving practice as a gynecologist and obstetrician (OB/GYN) until her malpractice insurance company increased her insurance premiums to the point where they cost more than her office was bringing in. When faced with unexpected unemployment, Deb created a new outlet for her medical training, she created her “Dr. Deb” website and started offering her service and experience as a public speaker and news contributor. Click here for a video link to her segment for FOX 19.   My interview with Dr. Deb will be coming soon!

***Add comments and Facebook "Likes" to help your fav guru.  Their ABC profiles will be expanded soon.  Click here if you would like to show support to Deb.***

Are You an Advice Guru?

I was very annoyed when Good Morning America announced their 20 finalists and I saw a majority of them with some type of PhD or other work experience that would put them over the top as picks for their advice guru. Then something changed. I got to know some of them.

Talking to some of the finalists through email I've come to realize many of them are just as “every day” as those of us that have gained our advice-giving experience simply through being trusted by those around us. They've had their trials and tribulations, they've gone through their tough times. And face it, in this economy degrees and previous experience don't guarantee that they're living high off of the hog and looking to live higher. Some are just as concerned about simply finding a steady pay check as I am.

So I've decided I want to help advice gurus, the finalists and those that were rejected by ABC, to be known better. Share their human, every day, average Joe sides. Even if you never submitted an entry but you'd like to let people know you're out there to help, I'll help show the world what a great person you are! The part of the person that gets missed in the mess.

I'll run an interview/bio spot for anybody interested in sharing, including a link to that person's blog, website, or other contact information. All you need to do is contact me. I won't hassle anybody that doesn't want featured, but I will help promote anybody that does.

So to all of the advice gurus out there, established or just starting out, send me an email and let's introduce you to the world! gayla.tanner@gmail.com

Good Morning America's Top 20 Pick

**See the GMA Advice Guru tab for updates**

Second Cut Coming Tuesday on Good Morning America


I'll admit it, I've been thinking about this all day. And I know why I didn't make the cut, why my submission had no right to be there. Mine was lacking personality. It was lacking my personality. With the 300 word restriction in mind, I focused more on what I had to offer. I put great pains into making sure I used proper sentence structure, punctuation, and spelling. But I left my personality along side the road in my process.  It was like a slice of white bread without so much as a smear of butter. So I figured I wouldn't be in the cut. But the group we have is somewhat surprising to me.

“Teachers, nurses, hairdressers, bartenders, and stay-at-home moms applied.”

That's what they said after the closing date for accepting submissions. Quite a variety of people, but why not? GMA invited a variety of every day folks to enter submissions. Teachers, writers, housewives, and stay-at-home moms. You got the impression that they wanted the kind of advice you'd get from people that have been through it, not the trained psychologist responses. Having studied some psychology myself, I know there are merits and downfalls to the clinical approaches to things, but over all they are well trained and only want to help people.

I expected to see more bartenders with sage advice, more hairdressers with tales of how others deal with things, more teachers that deal with dozens of children at a time. I didn't not expect to see one lone teacher in a cluster of psychologists, psychiatrists, best selling how-to authors, and advice columnists, all with lengthy resumes, taking the lead. Let's look at our top 20 contenders, then I'll meet you at the bottom of the page..

**UPDATE:  Since the original posting of the blog, I've had opportunity to get to know some of the finalists.  I have started interviews with those interested.  Links to those interviews are included in the description of the finalists below.**

Have A Beautiful Day ~ India Arie

I Wonder What That Means?

I was reading one of my favorite blogs last night when the author said she didn't know where the expression “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” came from. So I decided I would write an article about these obscure little pieces of verbal bricabrack.

I know the bootstrap saying because my parents were very demonstrative. I saw my dad pulling his bootstraps daily. Boots were made, and many still are, with a small strap at the top of them to make it easier to pull them up. There would be days that cowboys were so tired they would grab the straps on their boots to lift their legs off of the edge of their bunks to start another day. There are dozens of origin stories to this expression, but this is the one that I grew up with, and frankly it seems more plausible than the ones that say it means to literally lift oneself all of the way off the ground by nothing but their bootstraps. Here are a few others that I know.

Updated Information ~ Rape

Since posting my article on date rape I have received so many emails with questions and comments that I decided to write a follow up.

In the U.S. a woman is raped every sixty (60) seconds.  Yet, it's still the most under reported, under investigated crime we know. The reasons are as different as the women to which it happens Women don't report it out of shame, embarrassment, and fear. Authorities don't pursue it because unless it's a particularly violent attack they consider it a “he said/she said” incident. It's further complicated by those that do file false complaints.

Latest Update on the Good Morning America Advice Guru Hunt



Juju, George, Robin, & Sam



Good Morning America gave an update this morning on their show. They've moved on to the second stage of their decision making, calling finalists. Not the Final Ten yet, but the last 40 or 50 people. Some candidates have already been called, but according to Bianna Golodryga several more will be called over the next few weeks.

Women Are Beautiful

One of closest friends called me tonight for dating advice. Among the many topics we covered had to do with body image. My friend is a gorgeous woman by any measure of the word, but she doesn't see it.

My gorgeous, brilliant, well educated friend takes jobs that are beneath her and lets herself be reduced to booty calls because she looks in the mirror and doesn't see the same gorgeous woman the rest of us see. One study tells us that 55% of women suffer from some degree of poor body image.  What she, and many other women, don't realize is that 45% of men suffer the same problem. Perhaps if they realized that nearly as many men as women suffer from the same insecurities then they might realize it's universal.

Sadly, despite efforts by such companies as Dove, the perception of the “perfect body” are still in the mainstream. Models are primarily all a size 0, anything over a size 12 is considered “plus size”, and the heavy women that are on TV are in proportion. Real women don't fit in those categories, but they out there by the millions.

Women are beautiful creatures, no matter what their proportions. Even as a heterosexual woman I can see the beautiful design of the female body, Women shouldn't let the media isolate them, single them out as unsuitable. Especially Caucasian women.

Many black women are seen as beautiful no matter what their shape is, white woman should be as well.  Before anybody thinks I'm criticizing black women, stop.  I think it's wonderful that they get the credit due them for their beauty, this happens to be one area where black women got the privilege before white women did.  As happy as I am for their recognition, I wish it could be more universal.  Women are magnificent, if we cold be portrayed that way then maybe more of us could view ourselves that way.

What Are You Fixing for Thanksgiving?

I'm not a natural chef. I love to cook, but I need somebody else's recipes to make anything delicious. Well, that's not entirely true, but I do pretty basic cooking where I taste and add what's missing. I couldn't write a recipe so save my life.

Despite my culinary limitations, I love making a huge meal for my family on the holidays. It's the time when the whole family gets together to talk, cook, goof off, and catch up. This has been the running tradition in my family as far back as I can remember, getting together at Grams', breaking up in groups (men, women, children), and finding out what everybody has been up to. The “women folk” would take over the kitchen. I know to some this sounds completely backward and sexist, but I realize now that it wasn't so much women doing women's work, but women finding their way of getting rid of the men and kids so they could visit! As children, we were quickly shoo'ed from the kitchen, as were the men. But when we girls hit the golden age of adulthood, we were included in the “nest”, helping make home made noodles, slicing and mashing potatoes, and cleaning as we went.

I digress! It's so easy to get lost in the memories of cooking and gossiping with a dozen other matriarchs from my family. This is about the food!

When it comes to finding great recipes that are easy to follow, adjust, and make the best website I've found to date (and I've hunted down a lot of them!) is http://www.allrecipes.com/. I think the reason I like it so well is because the recipes are submitted and rated by the site users, not professionals. Every day people sharing every day recipes. You don't have to buy a dozen cookbooks to get the best 10-20 recipes (which I'm also guilty of!), and they're all right at your finger tips for free!

One thing I never did like about cooking for the holidays has always been how hot the kitchen gets with a turkey in the oven. It was fine back in the day when we had snow on the ground for Thanksgiving, but not now that you can still have 60-70 degree weather then. Here is a great turkey recipe to do on the grill to avoid all of that.

Do you need to figure out a menu? This page is great for that. If you're willing to sign up and create a profile, you can put the recipes you like the best in your own online recipe box. That way your favorite recipes are right there at your finger tips. There is also a nifty calculator to help you adjust serving sizes.

Hhhhmmmm, I started with the intent to share my favorite recipes, but it turned into more of a site support article! What can I say, it wouldn't be fair to share recipes without sharing where I get them. Maybe I'll share my Grams' home made biscuits or noodles, but that's later Go to Allrecipes, you'll love it.

Moms Are Heroes

I'm sure many of you have seen, or at least heard, of this blog. It went viral in a matter of days and was covered by several major news outlets. This blogger, known as Nerdy Apple Bottom and "Cop's Wife", deserves commendation for putting herself in the line of fire to defend her son.

Like thousands of others, I left encouraging comments on her page, but somehow that doesn't feel like enough. She has made it clear from her own confrontation that it isn't just other kids that bully and shame gay teens and pre-teens, sometimes it is the other parents that we trust our children to be around.

We don't know when a child realizes their sexual orientation, some have said that they knew they were "different" at a very early age. But we do know that there have been too many young people, starting as young as 10, that have been left feeling so shamed and despondent that they take their own lives. Now I'm guessing, but I wonder how many of those kids were subjected to the same type of judgmental ridicule that Cop's Wife encountered at her son's school by mothers A, B, and C? Would the Alphabet Birds feel any regret or remorse if they behaved that way in front of a child and that child committed suicide?

I guess if you're a fan of Forbes you might think that the only way to protect your children from hateful, narrow-minded, bigots is to hide from them. Cave and let the Fearsome Threesome dictate what is and isn't acceptable. Yes, that would be best despite the fact that other mothers and the children in the class DIDN'T behave that way. Better that she should have caved because the middle aged "mean girls" tried to apply their version of peer pressure.

So this is for Cop's Wife, the woman that stood up for a child's right to be an individual, whether it was due to being a gay child or just a HUGE fan of Daphne, she was a prize winning Mom for letting him be himself. She is there protecting her son from vicious, judgmental adults that could cause him serious emotional harm. My hat is off to you, Nerdy.

P.S. And for those that were concerned about her posting his picture to 'capitalize' on it. First, she had no idea her blog was going to go viral. Second, he's a four year old that is adorable, but with fairly indistinguishable features and a bright orange wig. Look for another reason to chastize her.


Children, Gayla, Kids, Parent, Tanner, child, help, homophobia, love, mom, people, prejudice, school, tolerance

Fighting Racism, One Flub at a Time

When my eldest two children were very young, my sister-in-law was expecting her first child. I would frequently accompany her to her doctor's visits, occasionally bringing my children along for the ride.
During one such visit, I thought about waiting out in the car with the kids, but my sister-in-law said, "Bring them in, it'll be okay. They have toys in the waiting room."

We went in and the waiting room was packed with expectant mother's and their companions. My children found some toys and sat in the middle of the floor playing, when suddenly my three year old son looks up at me, points to an attractive black woman on the opposite side of the room and asked very loudly, "Mommy, what's that?"

The poor woman turned just as red as I felt, and I called my son over. The only thing I could imagine that confused him was the size of her seventh to eighth month along belly, or depth of the color in her ebony skin. But we lived next door to a black family, and he played with their children all of the time.

To clarify, I started with, "She's pregnant, like Aunt Aggie, she has a baby in her belly."

"NO," he insisted, still quite loud, "Her skin."

Not ever wanting skin tone to be an issue with my children, I thought this might be a good opportunity to explain what a minor difference skin made, so I explained to him, "Well, you know my skin is darker than yours, right?"

"Yeah...."

"And Granny's skin is darker than mine, right?"

"Yeah...."

"Well, her skin is just darker than Granny's, that's all."

I seemed to get nods of approval from the surrounding audience, even from the still blushing mother-to-be across the room. Then, with the innocence only a three year old can have, he asked me at full volume, "Her darker?? But why???"

Thoroughly flustered, I shushed him and asked, "She's black, just like Shay and her family. Why are you so confused?"

While looking at me as if I had just flunked a major test, he informed me, "No Mommy, Shay is brown, not black."

I guess I should have added Shay to my "degrees of darkness" example. Luckily, he did learn the lesson that skin color wasn't relevant to who a person was.

Is It Too Late To Find Love?

I've received several letters from people asking about dating, finding Mister or Miss Right. Rather than having multiple responses I decided to compile it into one response.

The common theme I have seen has been individuals devaluing themselves. Fears that if they aren't in the process of planning a wedding by the time they are 25-30 years of age that they will never marry. There was even a letter from one 18 year old girl/woman that was worried that she would grow old alone because she wasn't already in a serious relationship!

The door to happiness doesn't slam shut when a person hits the age of 20, 30, 40, or even 50. You really do have the luxury of waiting until you've met somebody you're truly in love with as opposed to settling for the first one that shows interest. Settling is just setting yourself up for a messy divorce on down the line, and several years of depression until the divorce happens.

It is not uncommon in today's society for people to wait until their thirties ,or even forties, to settle down and start a family. People are living much longer, healthier lives than they did even thirty or forty years ago. Women are having children in their thirties and forties.

Be patient, don't be afraid to date a few wrong people in order to find the right one. Just don't settle on the wrong ones.

Speak Out Illinoisans!

I try to avoid political topics because of the extreme reactions to the very subject, but on this instance I can't sit silent. Budget cuts. Specifically budget cuts in Illinois, my home state.

At the moment they are trying to decide how to handle the budget crisis in Illinois, and the options on the table are to defer pay raises for state employees or to lay off state employees. I'm sure many readers are thinking either option seems feasible, you have to do what you have to do. What does that have to do with me?

It depends on what services you utilize on how, or if, it affects you. If you receive child support in the state of Illinois, there will be fewer case workers to help you secure your support. If you receive public assistance, public education, services from the Department of Transportation, Department of Children and Family Services, probationary services or services through the State Police you will be affected.

Both of the leading candidates for governor are proposing lay-offs or deferring pay raises for state employees. These state employees were only getting a 12% raise over a four year period, and they are being asked to allow 2% to be deferred. This comes after several state employee lay-offs and hiring freezes that have occurred over the past six years. Our state offices, working class level, are slashed to the bone already. We currently have individuals handling the caseloads of 4-5 people because of being short staffed in various offices.

My question, my complaint, is why are working class people making less than $60,000 a year asked to postpone their raises, or possibly lose their jobs, while our elected officials once again neglected to vote against their own pay raises? Why are retired legislators getting full pensions that are worth ten times as much as they paid in to their pensions, while the working class state employees are barely getting back from their pensions the amount they paid in? That's right, their raises are automatic if they don't vote against them, and it is the legislators' pensions that Governor Quinn spoke of honoring earlier this year.

Being an Illinois legislator is technically considered a part-time job, yet they receive $67,836 yearly salary plus $139.00 per day they are in session. So even if they're only in session 100 days of the year, they are paid $81, 736 for a part-time job without even including what they are also paid for the various committee chairmanships and leadership posts they serve on.

Only four other states have higher base pay for their legislators than Illinois. Pennsylvania ($78,314.66), New York ($79,500), Michigan ($79,650), and California ($95,291). We are heading for the same type of financial disaster that we recently saw California suffer, I personally don't think that thousands of of working class state employees should be the ones to suffer instead of legislators that are making all of these poor financial decisions for us.

A small disclaimer here, as many Illinoisans, I don't discriminate between Republican or Democrat when it comes to criticizing our governors. We have had pathetic governors from both parties, and this election season we are choosing between two poor selections when it is narrowed down to the two primary parties. Our political options have looked like the pickings from a third rate dating service over the past several years, with party being of little consequence.

I believe that if legislators want to convince our state employees that we all have to sacrifice to help our state, they should be prepared to set an example by cutting their own salaries, cutting their own pensions. Legislators from the other 45 states can manage on less income from their constituents, ours should be able to as well.

Fat People Gross You Out??

Maura Kelly

Maura Kelly. Unless you read Marie Claire or follow Maura's blog you probably never heard of this woman, I didn't until she stuck her foot in her mouth clear up to her knee.

“I think I'd be grossed out if I had to watch two characters with rolls and rolls of fat kissing each other ... because I'd be grossed out if I had to watch them doing anything. To be brutally honest, even in real life, I find it aesthetically displeasing to watch a very, very fat person simply walk across a room — just like I'd find it distressing if I saw a very drunk person stumbling across a bar or a heroine addict slumping in a chair.”

http://www.marieclaire.com/sex-love/dating-blog/overweight-couples-on-television

Well, Maura, I'm fat. I'm also smart, loving, informed, friendly, a pretty good cook, and a very fine writer. I'm also happily married and do all of the things you skinny people do. I spend time with my children, I go on hikes, I ride horses, and I work in the yard. I'm of similar body shape as millions of other Americans, so why shouldn't my figure be representative on television?

Granted, being over weight isn't healthy, but I don't think it is justified to compare an over weight person to a drunk or a heroine addict. What about those that are over weight because of thyroid problems, diabetes, or other ailments? Despite the stereotype of fat people sitting around stuffing sweets in their mouth day and night, some of us have been making valiant efforts that show in slow and scattered progress.

As most of my readers know, I submitted an entry for the Good Morning America Advice Guru. Would I, should I, by denied the opportunity because I'm over weight? I would hope not. I am an attractive woman, I know this because men flirt with me even though I'm carrying extra weight. I know I'm an excellent writer because I have a fan base from my personal writings. I know I give great advice because people that have asked for my advice have told me that they tried what I suggested and it worked out for them. And finally, I know I'm friendly because I make friends pretty easily.

Maura, fat people display affection, remember Roseann and Dan from that 80's-90's sitcom? Fat people also have emotions. Fat people in America is reality TV. Yes, you apologized, that was the “politically correct” thing to do. But do you get it? Human beings come in all shapes and sizes, including FAT.

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UPDATE

In Maura's apology, she made this statement:

" I was talking about a TV show that features people who are not simply a little overweight, but appear to be morbidly obese. (Morbid obesity is defined as 100 percent more than their ideal weight.)  And for whatever it's worth, I feel just as uncomfortable when I see an anorexic person as I do when I see someone who is morbidly obese, because I assume people suffering from eating disorders on either end of the spectrum are doing damage to their bodies, and that they are unhappy. But perhaps I shouldn’t be so quick to judge based on superficial observations."

Thank you, you get it.  Fat people, morbidly obese people, can be happy.  They can be loved romantically. They can be made to feel desirable by somebody that loves them. Loving an obese person isn't some type of deviance, it's just love.

Tough Q&A on Rape ~ Part I

Gayla,

I don't know what to do. This guy that I've liked for a long time asked me out. We went to a party and everything was going great, then when we got to my home he raped me. I think it was my fault, I let him come in for coffee. The date had gone so well, I just didn't want it to end yet. I know he didn't mean to hurt me, we had been drinking and I think he thought I was just playing hard to get, but I really meant it when I told him I wasn't ready to do that. Now I feel like I messed it all up, and I don't know what to do. I still kind of like this guy, but now I don't trust him, I don't trust me, and I don't know how to fix this because I'm still not ready to do it, or do it again. He left a message on my voicemail about going out again this weekend, what do I do?

T.

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Why Not Me?

As most know, I submitted an entry for the Good Morning America (GMA) Advice Guru job. Yesterday I really wondered if that was a good idea. My doubts were fed to me from every angle. Whether it was watching the news or watching my family, I wondered if I really was good enough to do the job.

On the news they were talking about the conflict between the two candidates for governor of Oklahoma, Mary Fallin (R) and Jari Askins (D) regarding whether or not being a wife and mother made Fallin a better candidate than Askins. I don't really think being a wife and/or mother improves or detracts entirely from doing any given job, but as I look at how I describe myself I noticed that is always the first thing I say to describe myself.

Am I just describing myself or putting it out there as one of my assets? Maybe a little bit of both, but being a wife and mother isn't always an asset. Sometimes it can create doubt in ourselves.

My children are no angels, they have their rows like any other siblings, and yesterday they has a whopper. It upset me that they could go at it like that, and I wondered, “How could I think I can give advice when I can't control my own children?”

As I sat under a tree in my yard wondering about this, my son came out to talk about it. I realized that what helps me connect to people isn't that I've got all of the answers, that I'm perfect at anything, but that I'm just as flawed a person as anybody I talk to. Maybe more so.

It isn't that anybody revels in my flaws, but that we connect through them. We learn from the flaws, mistakes, of each other. We all look for the person that has “been there, done that” when a problem comes up because we know that the person that has made the same mistakes we feel we're making will be more understanding and won't judge us.

My flawed family, children included, think I would do a great job. My flawed friends think I would do a great job, and I think I could hold my own and help a lot of people. I'm a WRITER, wife, and mother. So whether it is as GMA's advice guru, or just those that find me here, I can and will help people that ask me.

Thanksgiving Traditions

I was talking to my daughter one day when she asked me what we were doing for Thanksgiving. In the past this question would have been a no-brainer, we would have spent at least one day at my parents. It isn't so certain this year since my mother past away last year. Last Thanksgiving we spent it up north at my brother's home.

She told me, "I didn't like it last year, I want to have it at Poppy's this year."

"You didn't like going to Leon and Janie's last year?" I asked, surprised.

"It wasn't going there, it was not being able to help. At Granny's you and I helped her with the food, we got to be involved. Janie had everything nearly done and everytime I offered to help, she told me she had it under control. It just didn't feel right."

This made me think, and I realized she was right. We always arrived early enough to help with the cooking, just as we always did at holiday meals at my Grandmother's home. And we always worked together to do the cleaning up afterwards. That was when we did most of our talking as well, during the cooking and the cleaning.

My family had always been close, especially the women. Dinners at Gram's house always had an unintentional group division that I never totally understood until now. Women congregated in the kitchen, men congregated in the living room, and the children were scattered throughout the yard, breaking up in their own little groups, but primarily on the front porch.

When you started helping with the cooking and the cleaning, you quietly graduated from "one of the kids" to "one of the women." In the kitchen you learned what everybody had been doing, what their kids were up to, how life was going in the homes of other family members, even the gossip and news from the home towns of others. We bonded. It was those conversations, whether exchanging jokes, gossip, or talking about family, it was bonding time for the women of my family.

Never again will I hustle and bustle to try to have everything ready and looking perfect for a family get together. We may not have the picture-perfect turkey, the lace table clothe, linen napkins, or matching fine china, but we will have time to talk while mashing the potatoes, cutting out cookies, basting the turkey, and washing the dishes. We will have time to bond.

**This article is a reprint I had written in 2008**

Sex ~ The Pre-Talk

The dreaded “sex talk”. We don't want to have it with our kids, and they don't want to have it with us. An informed child makes informed decisions though, we know this. But what are people thinking when they say you should talk to your kids when they're still just three, four, five, and six?

They're talking about the “pre-talk”, where a parent lays the ground work for being able to talk to their kids about sex. They certainly aren't talking about sitting kids down in a serious manner, it's nearly impossible to get a child's attention that way.

A friend with two small children asked me whether I thought she should use proper names with her two year old, or if she should use the cute names you hear so many parents use. I told her that I thought it best to use the proper names. My reasoning is based in protecting my children. If my child is sexually abused by anybody, I want them to have the proper terms to be able to tell authorities what happened to them, and I don't want there to be shame associated with those words so that the process of reporting it isn't as traumatic as the incident itself. Nobody wants their child to be molested, but being prepared isn't inviting it. Nobody wants their child to wreck their bike either, but we still put a helmet on them just in case.

Many parents are uncomfortable with using the proper terms themselves due to the terms being presented to them as secretive and “dirty” in their own youth. I'm even hesitant to use them here because I don't want reported for presenting “adult content”. The fact of the matter is that these are the proper clinical terms, and the more they are used properly the easier it gets. Children won't associate them as dirty words if mom and dad don't.

The easiest way to start the “pre-talk” is the first time your child asks, “What's this?” By simply answering with the proper name you've started the talk. Just like that, the talk has begun, and it will continue on for years. This, however, is the very first step. It will continue with other small conversations that usually come from simple questions from your child. When you give honest, open answers your child learns that this is something that is alright to discuss with you so when it comes time for the tough questions they'll still prefer coming to you instead of the uncertain answers they will get from their peers.

We'll talk about other steps in “the talk” in time.

The Etiquette of Arguing

I've been thinking about this a lot the past few months. How is the best way to handle it when you have a differing opinion than people you care about?

I tiptoe around the message boards, emphasizing words like "many", "most", and "some" to avoid hurting the delicate feelings of friends. Then it dawned on me, I don't have to do that in real life. With my real-life friends I'm free to say, "You can't be serious. Tell me why you would think that." And she can do the same with me.

We treat differing views as something the other may not have thought of; we don't treat one another (let alone call one another) as if they were ignorant for thinking that way.

I am not a religious person, she is devout. I examine eac candidate to try to decide who would be best to vote for, she votes party line.

Yet we never say things like,

"I'm trying to help you see the truth."

"That's really stupid."

"Maybe someday you'll finally get it."

We do say things like,

"Look at it this way."

"That isn't how I see it."

"I think that because..."

And although she'll never drag me into her church, and I'll never drag her out of it, she is one of the first people I called after my Mom's diagnosis. I'm the first person she called when her Mom was having problems. And we've held each other and cried together a lot.

We discuss things. Sometimes I sway her, sometimes she sways me, and sometimes we both come away from a discussion learning something new. We don't instantly have hurt feelings, we know whether or not a blanket statement includes us or not, and we know beyond a shadow of a doubt that nothing said is meant to hurt the other.

There's no condescension, no patronizing, no belittling, no personalizing, no paper-thin feelings. We are friends, we are confidants, we are EQUALS.

Taking in Strays

While I was trying to decide what to write about next, my daughter suggested I write about taking in strays. Sure, that's relevant to our house right now, we just took in one and we're getting ready to take in another this weekend. That's what we do, take in the homeless. The last one was a little black ten year old dog, the next one is a young man in need of a place to stay.

Yes, the strays I usually take in are cats or dogs. Most people that know me know I'm a sucker for an animal that is facing being dumped or put to sleep. That is how I ended up with so many cats and dogs at home, taking in animals that I couldn't place in new homes. But I've found over the years that it isn't always a crabby kitty or a fussy puppy that needs a place to stay. Sometimes it's just a little more complicated than that.

We've all watched “The Blind Side”, but how many of us have lived it? I don't have a spare bedroom, but I have found out that when you find a young person in need they're more than happy to have a couch to sleep on while they're getting back on their feet. I haven't put anybody through high school and on the path to college, but I have let somebody know that they are cared about and they do have a family they can turn to.

A study from 1988 showed that between 500,000 and 600,000 Americans were homeless. A study from 1994 showed that an average of 7 million Americans have been homeless at one point in their lives. A third study done in 1997 showed that between 1987 and 1997 that in 11 cities in 4 states the need for shelter beds doubled. When we take into consideration the number of foreclosures in America since the beginning of the recession, the number of homeless could be astronomical. So what do we do about it?

Churches and charitable organizations do as much as they can to help ease the pressures, but we need to do more. I can say that I've kept three young people and one entire family from having to endure homelessness for long. I won't pretend it was always easy, there were bumps in the road, but it was worth it to help friends in need. I never know when I may be the stray in need.

Another Dawn

The birds come first, did you know that? As the clock ticks off the minutes of the A.M. hours, the first signs of morning are the birds. The locusts end their shift several hours before the birds go on duty, all while it still looks like night outside. It is surreal to be looking at the blackest sky, darkness of night, yet hear the birds discussing the coming activities of their day.

When the light begins, it is the dimmest of things. Although ribbons of pink and violet appear in the eastern sky, the rest of it is dull, hesitant. It is as though the rest of the world is slow to wake, reluctant to begin. But it does. As pink, violet, and various blues gradually creep out towards the west, you see the main attraction begin on the eastern horizon. Orange, then yellow, then the edge of the orb.

I've watched this transition of worlds, from the depth of night to the brightness of day, so many times and thought it the apex of serenity. A little piece of magic that I'm so sure I share with very few. But what of the rest?

Dawn arrives, the magic is over, the rest of the world joins the birds and me in the arrival of another day. The children wake, the chores are waiting, the drudgery begins. I had always felt a resentment at the intrusion, but now I find myself reconsidering this.

What if I weren't permitted another dawn? If I weren't allowed to get to the first bird of the day? Did I catch and hold onto the magic of a groggy child with fluffy hair shuffling to my room? Did I see the wonder of children playing in the field? Did I savor the warm kiss my husband gave me before leaving for work? Did I notice the amazement of the flowers beside the house as they turned their heads to follow the westbound sun?

I need to remember to touch the tree to caress the bark, and breath deep the fresh scent of milo. I need to memorize the tunes my daughter hums when she thinks nobody is listening.

I need to admire the men my sons are becoming, and the women my daughters will be. And cherish each moment as if it were my last, because I never know when it might be.

Need help talking to my teen

Gayla,

My daughter just started high school and getting her to tell me anything about her day is like pulling teeth. "How was school" and "fine" are about as far as we get. If I ask questions she gets huffy and acts like I'm prying. How do I keep the lines of communicaton open with my teenager when she won't talk to me?

Karen

======================================

Karen,

Teens can seem as secretive as government agents with parents. The key to loosening their lips is to find the right time, place, and questions.

This is where it's important to be involved in their lives through activities or even just as a social site friend. That way you can avoid vague questions that only get you equally vague responses.

Ask specific questions. "How did you do on the science test?" "What did they serve for lunch today?" "So, what was Britney wearing today?" "Which teacher do you like best/worst?"

Specific questions, especially about things that are of interest to them, require more specific responses. When they give you vague answers, ask more questions. Be ready to be quiet and understanding when they have a complaint as well. If they have a complaint about a teacher, ask why they feel that way about that teacher.

That would cover the 'how', the 'when' and 'where' are also important. Strike up a conversation while they're helping fix dinner or during dinner. Sometimes you can get a conversation in the car if they've don't need time to unwind first. It needs to feel like a casual conversation instead of an inquisition, be mindful of your approach. Stay on equal footing. If they're sitting, sit. If they're standing, stand.

It may be difficult at first, but once they realize your curiosity is benign interest instead of prying, and the habit gets formed, their answers will start to come easier.

Gayla

Gastric Bypass

Gayla,

I'm thinking about undergoing gastric bypass surgery for weight loss. I only know one person that has done it and she doesn't regret her decision at all. I understand that it is a irreversible procedure. If I hate it, I'm stuck with it. Do you know anyone who's had this procedure? Do you know much about the procedure yourself? I have a consultation meeting next week and then I need to decide.

L.L.

====================================

L.L.

There are several things you want to take into consideration before going through a major change such as gastic bypass.

The surgery would *permanently* change your diet. There could be foods you're unable to digest or tolerate any longer.

With the smaller amounts you'll be able to eat, you also stand a higher chance of suffering from vitamin deficiency and dehydration.

After the surgery you'll go through a very quick weight loss, which for many is the appeal. What too many people don't realize is that with rapid weight loss, you lose it quicker than your skin can adapt. Many people end up with large flaps of loose skin that needs to be removed surgically.

Go over all of the possibilities with your doctor, and see if your insurance would cover the surgery to remove the extra skin. You'll also want to talk to the doctor (or a plastic surgeon if your doctor doesn't know) how much scarring there would be from the removal of excess skin.

Another option might be a lapband procedure. It would have many of the same after effects, but it is reversible if you aren't satisfied with it. Discuss all of the options available with your doctor, if he/she doesn't answer to your satisfaction then wait.

Gayla

My Brother, My Soldier

Bear with me, or just skip this, it doesn't matter. This may just be little more than a rant, a lingering, a spillage of broken thoughts into words in order for me to sort them out. Hell, I might not even hit the Submit button when I'm done.

It's a little after 5am here, and around 4am I got a call from an old friend. I'm going to call him Bret to skip having to say "my brotherly friend" every little whip stitch.

Bret enlisted in the military 15 years ago. He was young, married with a small child, and needed solid employment. That, coupled with a love for extreme sports, made the military seem like the perfect job. He's leaving the military soon now, becoming a civilian again.

So, Bret called. I was scared due to the hour that he called. Four in the morning is the time of day that you get calls telling you somebody has been in a wreck, had a heart attack, or died. The call came in 'unknown' so I had no clue who was calling, and when he told me who it was, my first reaction was to ask what was wrong, is everybody ok.

Once we established that nobody had died, was near death, or physically injured, he began to speak. Bret was in the habit of calling when things went sideways on him. Luckily, unlike pre-Iraq Bret who was always stoic and reserved, post-Iraq Bret is very talkative.
Bret was feeling 'out of place'. "People, either I can't stand them, or they don't like me. That leaves me with nobody."

I won't even begin to try to relay the entire conversation, it flowed and shifted like the sands in a river. I flowed along with it, whisking my oar when needed.

Bret had spent 15 months in Iraq, he said that he had been in trucks that were hit with IEDs 7 times, he had even been in one where an MPG flew in through the front window, breezed past the back of his head, and blew a hole "the size of a beach ball" out the back window. Most of these events he took in stride, while in Iraq, because over there these things were 'normal'. Even if they made it difficult to sleep at night.

He clearly, in hindsight, had suffered multiple untreated concussions because of all of this. He would "soldier on" (I know why the phrase is that now) because he was still capable of being mobile. He said he "got screwed out of a purple heart because I didn't see the medic about it". Yeah, I don't think that's fair either, but it just seems like a splinter in the board that he he was back-handed with. He suffers spells of extreme headaches (in the back of the head, where his hair is now discolored due to the MPG) that get so extreme they make him vomit.

Eb and flow. "I have emotions now, and I don't know what to do with them. I hate civilians, they don't do anything right. There's no honor there."

He told me how he resents, to the point of wanting to lash out, when people come up to him and thank him for what he's done. He says none of it was good, none of it was something they would thank him for if they knew. He followed orders. Even when he disagreed, he followed orders.
Just as med students play catch with a cadaver's heart to keep their spirits up at 2am as they carry on into their 36th hour of work, soldiers, as a coping mechanism, would find things humorous that 'civilians' would find sick and appalling. Looking back in awe himself at what they had done and finding humor in, he now feels like everybody is staring at him. Everybody is wondering what is wrong with him. Back to the feeling of not fitting in.

The saying that goes, "There are no atheists in foxholes" is wrong. According to Bret, all you have are atheists in foxholes, because they know that no god worth worshiping would permit war. No god would want his children to even begin to view the things they saw in Iraq as normal.
He was on a cell phone, out in the middle of nowhere at his uncle's, so his signal dropped a few times. Each time, I gripped the phone willing him to call back, because I knew he wasn't done. Better to call me back and talk some more than to let his emotions carry him off.

Bret is not suicidal. Like myself, he is not wired that way. Our anger phrases include 'grudge', 'revenge', and 'retaliation'. For me, it usually ends up in a scathing editorial showing up in the paper I wrote for. It's a quality my editor enjoyed and reaped the rewards for. We both use the phrase, "I don't get suicidal, I get homicidal." I'm a writer, he's a soldier. So it's best you keep talking to me, Bret, kill them verbally through words to me.

No, on a day-to-day basis, he would not randomly hurt or kill anybody. He is a reasonable man. But in the wee hours of the night, when he's taken 2 Ambien and 2 klonopin to try to get to sleep and it still evades him.... who knows. But he reached for the phone. And after every other number didn't get him help, he dialed mine.

His words race around in my head.

"These are the guidelines about double-tapping..."

"....and whenever the locals heard we had lost somebody, they buckled down because they knew..."

"One guy told me that I'll never be a civilian again, I'll just live among them...."

"....marking our shells (this is doodling on them, they did it out of boredom) was against the Geneva Convention, but chopping off guys' heads isn't?"

".... then we found this big, bad jihadist hiding under a bed..."

I realize that my friend, my brother, is hurting. And I don't know what to do for him but listen. With all of the wonders of modern medicine, they don't know enough about the brain to understand what the scarring and injuries they see on a CT scan really mean in regards to what has been damaged. They can tell a wounded soldier that they may have headaches, hearing problems, dizziness, but unlike a severed limb they don't know what to reconnect to fix it.
The human brain is too complex for us to figure it out, hell, it's too complex for us to even use all of it. So they try this med, and they try that med, then they settle for this grouping of meds. And the inner workings of the mind are even more baffling. They can't explain, let alone fix, the changes in a person.

Old Bret was confident, New Bret feels lost in his own home. Old Bret was popular, the center of attention. New Bret feels alienated from everybody around him. Old Bret was reserved with showing his emotions, and now New Bret has emotions he can't understand that weigh him down daily.

I'm very close friends with Bret's wife, Terry, as well. "What has Terry told you about me?"
She's confused about how to deal with the changes in him. The changes aren't all bad; he's more open, affectionate, and talkative. But they are all new. It's like living with a different man. I told him she had told me about him reaching for his rifle in his sleep, and about him saying, in his sleep, that he wanted to go home. When she asked him where home was, he said Iraq. Not that he longs for the nightmare that was day-to-day life there, but because that had become his new definition of 'normal'.

After he had ridden the current of emotions for a full hour, he sounded more at ease. When I told him to call me back anytime he needed to talk, I'm always here, he said he would. He even said he thought he might be able to go to sleep now. I hope he can, and I hope it's dreamless. For his sake.

Looking at Parkinson's Disease

When we think of Parkinson's Disease, we think of famous names like Michael J. Fox and Muhammad Ali. But what about when it happens to somebody you know? Facing a new diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease can be upsetting, so let's look at exactly what it is.

Parkinson's is a motor system disorder which is caused by a loss of dopamine producing brain cells. The brain and the body start having problems talking to one another. This will result in tremors, stiff movement, slower movement, and loss of balance. For some patients the symptoms are gradual and for others they can come on very quickly. Some people become severely disabled, while others experience only minor motor disruptions. There is simply no way to know how your loved one will progress until it starts to happen. Although Michael J. Fox is clearly the exception to the rule, most cases of Parkinson's appear in people over the age of 50.

One of the most difficult things to deal with regarding Parkinson's is that while the body starts to falter, the mind is as sharp as ever. So even though dad is going to reach the point where he is going to need help simply getting a spoon to his mouth, he is still fully aware of everything going on around him. He may just be have issues conveying his thoughts if his facial muscles are betraying him along with all of the others.

This inability to communicate causes a great deal of stress to both the person suffering the disease and to those around him. This stress can lead to anxiety and depression, so it's best to find ways to communicate long before the disease progresses to this point. Having your body betray you completely also, obviously, adds to the stress and depression levels, but having the means to communicate with others will allow the person with Parkinson's some degree of control in their own life.

Despite the promises of stem cell research, at the moment there is no cure for Parkinson's, but there are several medications to help control the symptoms. Patients can be given Levodopa and Carbidopa to help build up dopamine in the brain, in most patients this will help ease the rigidity, or “locking up” that many patients experience. Although these are the primary medications used, there are a large variety of other medications available to try.

If medications don't work, or don't work any longer, surgery could be an option. A therapy called Deep Brain Stimulation (DBS) has now been approved by the U.S. Food and Drug Administration. In DBS, electrodes are implanted into the brain and connected to a small electrical device called a pulse generator that can be externally programmed. The intent is to stimulate the the brain cells to produce their own dopamine.

A diagnosis of Parkinson's Disease can be a frightening thing, but with plenty of preparation, information, and support patients and loved ones can learn to cope with the diagnosis.

For further information on Parkinson's Disease, check out these websites:

http://www.ninds.nih.gov/disorders/parkinsons_disease/parkinsons_disease.htm

http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/parkinsons-disease/DS00295 http://www.parkinson.org/

http://www.michaeljfox.org/ http://www.parkinsons.org/ http://www.pdf.org/

http://www.boston.com/news/health/blog/2010/10/scientists_repo_1.html

http://www.facebook.com/l.php?u=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.webmd.com%2Fparkinsons-disease%2Fdefault.htm&h=d0b48

Help Your Kids Get Ahead

Have you considered home schooling but didn't know where to get the materials you need to do it? Or you just want to help you kids get more practice with their multiplications or phonics? The internet can be your best friend.

It use to be that when people thought of home schooling it was usually because of religious preferences. Now home schooling is growing in popularity across the nation for a multitude of reasons. Ten years ago I pulled my oldest son out to home school him because of conflicts with a teacher, but when I started looking for materials to teach him all I could find were curriculums created by religious groups. That's all well and good, except that when I received the curriculum it was behind for the grade level and it had a very weak science curriculum. I had to get creative.

Now I'm home schooling my daughter and, thanks to the internet, I'm finding tons of material for free. There are also a wide variety of workbooks available fairly cheap from Wal-Mart, K-Mart, and even Toys-R-Us. These workbooks aren't half baked supplements any longer either, for my daughter they have been useful staples in her education. Brand names like School Zone and Harcourt Family Learning have excellent workbooks that will help you help your child.

The following links are just some of the sites I use to print out worksheets that my daughter and I use for every subject. Home schooling is now for the parent that wants to help their child compete in the world at large. Parents are now taking up the slack where our schools aren't.

http://schoolexpress.com/ http://www.ezschool.com/ http://www.abcteach.com/

http://www.tlsbooks.com/ http://www.softschools.com/

http://www.mathfactcafe.com/

For interactive learning games, Supreme Court Justice Sandra Day O'Connor has been promoting one of the bests. http://www.icivics.org/ is an excellent site for kids (and adults!) to learn more about the workings of our government. Here is a list of some other interactive sites.

http://www.kids.gov/ http://quizhub.com/quiz/quizhub.cfm

http://jc-schools.net/tutorials/interactive.htm

http://www.funbrain.com/ http://www.iknowthat.com/com

http://www.gamequarium.com/ http://www2.scholastic.com/browse/learn.jsp

Home schooling doesn't have to be hard, and it certainly doesn't have to be boring. With the right tools at our fingertips, home schooling can be fun for both mother and child. If you have favorite sites, share them! Home schooling moms need to help each other! If you have any questions, comments, or more information to share feel free to use the comment section below, send me a PM, or email me at gayla.tanner@gmail.com